Parenting - Early Childhood

I NEED A HUG (By Dr. Jane Jelson)

I was watching some videos by Bob Bradbury the other day. They are very informative and inspiring. Bob tells a story about a father who tried the "I need a hug" suggestion. His small son was having a temper tantrum. The father got down on one knee and shouted, "I need a hug." His son asked through his sobs, "What?" The father shouted again, "I need a hug." His son asked incredulously, "Now?!?" The father said, "Yes, now." The son said, "Okay," and begrudgingly and stiffly gave his father a hug. Soon the stiffness disappeared and they melted into each others arms. After a few moments the father said, "Thanks, I needed that." His son said, with a small tremor on his lips, "So did I."

Sometimes hugs don't work because the child is too upset to give or receive a hug. Adults can still try. If the child is unwilling, the adult can say, "We need some cooling off time, and I sure would like a hug whenever you are ready." Some people ask, "After the hug, then what? What about the misbehavior?" Hugs can create an atmosphere where children are willing and able to learn. This may be the time to take time for training, ask what, why and how questions, give a limited choice, use distraction, engage in joint problem-solving -- or to do nothing and see what happens next. Most of the time adults can help children stop misbehaving when they stop dealing with the "misbehavior" and deal with the underlying cause. Children DO better when they FEEL better. Encouragement is the key.

An excellent way to encourage children is to help them feel useful by making a contribution. What a wonderful way to let them contribute -- by making you feel better when they give you a hug. Of course the fringe benefit is that they also feel better. Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Perhaps encouragement is enough to change the behavior. Too many people think children must pay for what they have done in the form of blame, shame, or pain (other words for punishment). Try a hug instead.

PREVIOUS POSTS

No Cry Solutions from Elizabeth Pantly

New School Year Can Mean Separation Anxiety. Whether you're leaving your child for school, the gym or a birthday party, Elizabeth Pantly recommends you avoid mentioning the negative and, instead, focus on the positive. Don't say, "you don't need to worry...they can call me if anything happens." This translates in your child's mind to "there must be things to worry about...and what kinds of things could happen?"  Instead, say "I know you're going to have fun with your new friends today." Or I heard you're making hand puppets - that will be exciting - I can't wait to see your puppet!"

Learn more about this SKILL, and others such as NO CRY Discipline, Bedtime, Potty Training and more by visiting Pantly's website.

Also visit the links on the right side of this page for more expert tips on parenting.

Send us a note on the CONTACT US page and let us know if you found something helpful - or if there's a topic you'd like to find more information on.  We look forward to hearing from you. You can also call us at 757-CHILDREN (244-5373).

Have a great start of the new season!

Boost Your Parenting Skills....Try these tips....

At a recent Child Fair, the sign on our display table read "Positive Discipline A-Z."  Parents flocked over. "Wow...do I need this!" they decreed. 

Dr. Jane Nelson, who wrote the book by that title, is a long-trusted expert on parenting tools.  Without being a push-over, Dr. Nelson advises parents against negative reinforcement, AKA punishment. "Children do better when they feel better," she explains.  Afterall, who feels better after they've been punished?  After the moping and crying, children are at a lower level emotionally than when the punishment was doled out.  Harsh words, criticisms, raised voices, even time out, are experienced as punishment.

Nelson reminds us of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - that all of us, especially children, strive to "belong."  It is the most basic human need.  Children need reassurance that they belong to their parents and family...and that they are not at risk of being cut off from our love, protection or physical closeness. 

Regardless of a child's age, Dr. Nelson explains that most of children's undesired behaviors result from their feeling "disconnected."  This can mean, disconnected from a parent, a sibling, a friend, a teacher, etc.  "Connect before you correct," Nelson advises.  Reassure your children that, just because you're not pleased with their actions, you will always love and care about them. 

Stop Negotiating With Your Teen by Dr. Janet Sasson Edgete, is another great read. She helps parents balance "limit setting and flexibility...compassion and accountability." When setting limits, ask your teen for potential solutions to the problem at hand.  Children who are heard, even though you don't enact their solution, are more likely to accept your consequences as being fair.  Elizabeth Pantley's The No Cry Discipline Solution also comes highly recommended, especially for parenting younger children.

There are perhaps thousands of other trusted parenting tools I could recommend.  But the point is, there is so much each of us can learn about the children in our lives, and how to better foster their physical, emotional and social development.  And thousands of these resources are at our finger-tips.

This website at www.KidsPriorityOne.org is a free referral service where parents can turn to find local resources, including parenting classes.   Many, but not all of the classes are free.  There are also links to Dr. Nelson's tips and hundreds of other online resources.  Search the Community Calendar for parenting classes, family fun events and more.  The database hosts information on over 1,000 organizations serving children and families in our region.  Can't find what you're looking for, call KidsPriorityOne at (757)-CHILDREN (244-5373) or 1-800-CHILDREN.  We look forward to helping!

Brenda Garrett, M.Ed., KidsPriorityOne Director
This article is published in the April 2010 edition of The Oyster Pointer, Editor, Sylvia Weinstein

GOT TODDLERS?

Having a little one can be a trying stage. KPO is here to help. We have compiled some helpful topics, agencies, and upcoming events that all relate to raising your little one. Enjoy!

KPO SPOTLIGHT: 

The Virginia Beach Public Schools sponsors a free Interactive Reading Bus that comes to various locations once a week to promote literacy and early learning. Think of it as a preschool on wheels! More..

 KPO CALENDAR:

Our Family and Community Calendar contains many events, classes, and workshops that can help you and your family grow closer, connect with others, and just plain have fun.

 What Is KidsPriorityOne Reading?

• The no-cry discipline solution, by ELizabeth Pantley
• Positive Discipline For Preschoolers, by Jane Nelson
• How To Talk To Kids So Kids WIll Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish 

 We're always here to help!

• Search the database,
• Call us at 757- CHILDREN (244-5373)
  After hours 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373)
• Visit our Calendar and attend an event,
• Read, Read, Read!